Four Years Later: Still Figuring It Out

The past seven months I have prayed every version of “God, please tell me where I need to go and what I need to do” that possibly exists. I prayed fancy versions with big holy words and quick in-between-the-to-do-lists versions and versions that involved yelling at the sky from my car. And although I believe that God speaks to some people and in many ways, in all that time I did not feel like God was speaking to me at all. Zip. Nada. Zilch. Figure it out on your own, Maddie. That’s what it felt like. That is, until late last Friday afternoon when the final tracks of this “figure out your next stage of life” journey finally clicked into place and I realized that God was in every bit of it.

Picking a graduate school might not seem like this big event or journey, but don’t even mention that to December 2014 Maddie or she might kick your butt/sob uncontrollably. In fact, don’t mention that to January Maddie, February Maddie, March Maddie, or even April Maddie…actually, you should just wait until next week to mention it. I was an emotional wreck about (1) not having a plan, (2) being uncertain about what little plan I did have, and (3) the prospect of leaving my amazing Murray home.

I knew a few things about the future. I wanted to go to graduate school to obtain some sort of student affairs/higher education/please let me work at your university/education leadership sort of degree. I also wanted to get an assistantship to pay for that degree and thought that a hall director position would be awesome. Other than those two clues, I was pretty lost as to what the next step of the plan would be. And planners are not fans of not being in control of the plan…actually, is anyone a fan of that?? 

The number of schools I was considering is further proof of the horrible uncertainty. In December, I applied to eight different graduate programs, visited four different schools for interview weekends, and went to a conference in Oshkosh, Wisconsin where I interviewed with fourteen schools over three days. The schools I interviewed with were from everywhere—California to Minnesota and everywhere in between. There were big schools and tiny schools, private and public schools, schools I knew and schools I had never heard of before.

Enter Valdosta State University. They ended up on my interview schedule at the Oshkosh Placement Exchange almost by accident—I don’t really remember why I added them, but they were my first interview for the weekend. The other graduate schools I had applied to or thought about were bigger schools or well-known schools or schools in neat places like California. However, I found myself meeting with Mark and Ryan (VSU’s Assistant Directors of Housing…AKA the people who would be my bosses if I worked at VSU) first thing Friday morning. They were amazing. I immediately was able to slip out of interview mode and be 100% myself, and before I knew it the 30 minute interview was over. I’ve tried to explain this connection and how fantastic Mark and Ryan are, but I still haven’t figured out how to perfectly describe their hilarity/awkwardness/ability to make everyone feel important/passion for student affairs and students. Just believe me though—these guys changed my entire thought process on my future. I was offered the job at Valdosta State University a few days later.

A week and a half later, I went to Auburn University for their Placement for Graduate Assistants weekend. While I was there, I drank famous Toomer’s lemonade, toured the beautiful campus, and I interviewed for several different assistantships in every area of student affairs. I was there from Sunday evening until Monday afternoon, which was just barely enough time to fall in love with the campus and know that I would end up there someday. The next day they called with their assistantship offer (the way they do it at PGA is that they all get together and decide who gets to offer assistantships to who, so each student only gets one offer) to work in the First Year Experience office, and I was supposed to decide within 24 hours. It was a great offer. I would work with a fantastic guy (there are a ton of amazing people in student affairs) and have the opportunity to learn a ton. I ended up telling them no for a few different reasons including the fact that my heart was still stuck on getting to work in housing and also I had not finished visiting several other of the schools I was considering. After I called and turned down the offer, I immediately felt disappointed. I think I said “If they had offered me a job in housing, I would have taken it on the spot” about a million times. I was disappointed because I had fallen in love with Auburn and felt that it was the school I needed to be at, but I knew I had made the right decision because I also felt that I needed to be working in housing. I decided that I must be supposed to attend Auburn to get my PhD in the future and I focused on trying to pick between the other amazing schools.

There are a lot of details to this journey that seemed really important to me at the time—a lot of pro/con lists and a lot of varying factors on where I might want to attend school; However, for the purpose of this note I will just say that my mind was a jumbled disaster January-March 20 and even a bit of a disaster after “decision day.”

On March 20^th I was fed up with feeling like I wanted to throw up all the time and finally let the dog decide where I was going to attend. I narrowed the search down to five of the schools I was admitted to/had obtained an assistantship from (Clemson, Alabama, Mississippi State, Tulane, and Valdosta State). I set out plates with the names of the finalists, placed treats on each plate, and said “Rosie, go!” On the first try Rosie picked Valdosta. When we did it again Rosie picked Clemson first and then Valdosta. When we tried to do it a third time my dad told us to stop giving Rose treats before she threw up. I was happy that Rosie had picked Valdosta—it felt like a relief because it was permission to go to the school that not everyone was excited about. The school that nobody knew and that didn’t have the biggest name or most prestigious program, but that was filled with genuine and passionate individuals who I knew would be invested in my growth in student affairs. So, I called Valdosta to tell them I was going to be a Blazer. (Side note: I would have picked VSU even if the dog had not picked it!) 

Although I was excited and content with my graduate school decision, I did find my mind wandering back to Auburn a few times throughout each week—planning for the day I would get to attend and knowing that if they had offered me a housing position that my life would be on a completely different path. It’s hard to explain my feelings during this time because I was happy about Valdosta and knew that I could find my place in Georgia, but at the same time I felt a bit restless for no apparent reason. In May, I visited VSU with my mother for a day and the restlessness died down a bit when I was able to show her the beautiful campus and introduce her to my incredible future bosses.

Fast forward to two weeks ago when I woke up to an email from Auburn saying that they had a GA position open up—not just any GA position, but their Graduate Area Coordinator position working in residence life. I literally threw my phone across the room. I was mad that this opportunity opened up after I had finally settled into a great job. If I had been supposed to work and learn at Auburn, I thought I would have heard from them MONTHS ago. This was not the plan. Or the backup plan. I found my phone underneath a stack of things I still haven’t unpacked from school and went to my Trust Team. I talked to my mom, dad, Jonathan, and God, and with their help I came to the conclusion that if I was meant to be at Auburn I would be offered the job and if I was meant to be at VSU then I would not be offered the job (pretty simple, right? It's kind of like my "let the dog pick the school" plan).

Then last Wednesday I was purchasing my first car (say what!?) from Beaman Automobile when it came close to time for a quick phone interview with Auburn. They had asked me to talk to two of their area directors at 2:00, and I ended up being in Murfreesboro longer than I had originally planned--which meant my best option was to stay and interview there. I was without my padfolio, notes, or any of the other things I had planned to have in front of me. Ken at Beaman let me use a spare office and I holed up in there to talk to Auburn for what turned into almost an hour. I found out that the position was for the greek women's hall or the international students' hall and I don’t have a ton of experience with either of those areas, so I don’t think that helped me. (By the way, talking on the phone to people you’ve never really met is very difficult! You can’t tell if they think your jokes are stupid or funny, even if all of your jokes are hilarious.) They were going to finish talking to everyone on Wednesday and fill the position on Friday.

By the end of Thursday, I was convinced I had not received the position. I wasn’t sad about it or angry—I just knew that I had asked God to close that door if I was to feel at peace about Valdosta.  I waited all day on Friday for the official rejection email so I could get my mind back on track, and I finally received it about 2:00 in the afternoon. My email dinged and I looked down to see "the" email, but it wasn't from Auburn, it was Valdosta just checking in. I read the email and got back into groove of planning for my future as a Blazer when finally an email from Auburn popped up. I acknowledged that they had finally sent the news and went back to daydreaming or something. It wasn’t until ten minutes later when I read the email and then read it a second time that I realized Auburn had offered me their hall director position. My mind went blank with excitement and I started walking circles around the house because there was nobody home to tell. I told Rosie (the dog) about it until finally real humans came in the door and I was able to show my parents the email. My mom immediately started helping me to make a list to compare the schools, but I stopped her. I knew that it was Auburn.

With the Auburn door opened, there was one thing I dreaded. I had to call VSU and back out halfway through the summer. I would be causing them a lot of trouble and I was going to have to make Mark and Ryan, two people I had grown to admire and trust, disappointed or angry with me. It was 3:29 (4:29, or closing time on a Friday afternoon in Georgia), so I needed to call super fast or I would have to wait until Monday to talk to them. I called and nobody answered, so I left a message asking Ryan to call me back as soon as possible. To curb some of the anxiety, I decided to take a walk to Sonic. During that time I still felt at peace with the decision to go to Auburn and amazed to look back at all of the pieces that had fallen into place to get me to this point.

The moment I got to Sonic, I looked down at my phone to see that Ryan was calling me back. I took a deep breath and answered it. I barely had two sentences out about my offer to go to Auburn before Ryan responded that “God’s timing is perfect. We might not always see why he is planning or what he is planning, but he knows what he is doing.” He proceeded to share his support for Auburn, his support for me, and invitations to be apart of each other’s networks in the future. He also told me that they had other students still begging for assistantships, so I was not leaving them hanging. Basically he said the exact opposite of everything I had expected of the conversation. It was like the dream of what you would hope someone would say in that situation, but better. Overwhelmed with the emotions of the afternoon and how everything was playing out, I may or may not have started crying.    

So, this way too long blog was written to summarize my amazement that the puzzle pieces of this journey each had a purpose. Turns out that I was wrong about the "figure it out on your own" plan. There was a plan. To be honest, I’ve never really been great at trusting God’s plan. I mean, I trust God. And I’m sure his plan is great. But I’m also a planner. And a planner likes to be in control of the plan. But no matter how hard I tried these past couple of months to be in control of my own plan(read: screw up the plan), God was there through every decision, every step, every interview, and every holy-word prayer/yelling-crying prayer. Thoughts and feelings, interactions with various people, and pretty much everything else that happened this semester have guided me to being absolutely sure that I’m supposed to be an Auburn Girl. Without my interactions at Valdosta, I would not have learned so much from Mark and Ryan and I would not have been given the chance to fall even more in love with the world of student affairs. Waiting for Auburn to fall into place gave me the ability to clearly see it as the best school for me. 

“Trust The Lord with all your heart and lean not upon your own understanding; in all your ways, acknowledge Him, and he will direct your path.” 

Proverbs 3: 5-6

Thank you to everyone who has been a part of this journey and who has supported me through all of my crazy emotions and decisions over the past several months. You all are rockstars. I am so grateful that I have such an awesome team on my side.